Children's Lit
by Plunk626
Summary: This is a continuation of What Happily Ever After? Buffy and Spike are back and together but someone else appears and sends them through children stories along with another victim.
1. Oh Crap

Chapter One

Buffy suddenly pulled away from Spike. "Did you hear that?"

"The sound of us snoggin'? Yes. Let's listen to it again."

Buffy turned away from him so he ended up kissing the air in front of her and almost falling over. "Listen." Spike stood next to her, his eyes gazing around the empty crypt. Then he heard it, a faint call from someone. A guy. "It's Xander!" Buffy ran out the door, not giving Spike a second thought.

"Bugger."

"Buffy!" Xander yelled, a flashlight held tightly in his hand.

"Buffy Summers!" Anya called.

"I think there's only one Buffy in this town wandering through a graveyard Anya." He ventured onto the grass and made his way past a few gravestones. "Buffy!"

"Xander!"

He quickly whirled around in the face of the yell. "Buffy?!"

"Xander!" a familiar figure yelled from twenty feet away.

"Buffy! You're alive!" he said as he ran towards her. He lifted her from the ground in a hug when they met. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

"You're all anyone has been thinking about. It was quite irritating actually," Anya said as she approached them.

"Nice to see you too Anya."

"I _am_ glad you aren't dead and residing in some demons intestinal tract."

"Me too."

"Where _have_ you been? You've been MIA for thirty hours," Xander said, answering her mental question of how long they've been gone.

"Actually, me and Spike-" Buffy pointed behind her but she noticed no one was there. "Spike?"

"I knew he had something to do with this."

"No," Buffy started walking back to his tomb, "we were sent to these weird storybook tales by some witch on an ego trip. First we were in Cinderella where all the people were vampires, then we were in Little Red Riding Hood where instead of a wolf it was a Godzilla sized werewolf- Spike!" Finally she caught him walking towards her. "Where were you?"

"Spike. Sad to see you here."

"Xander. Glad to see you kept your lack of humor."

Buffy rolled her eyes and commented, "Be a little more immature you two."

"Moron," Xander replied, accepting her challenge.

"Why are you two holding hands?" Anya asked, as if reminding them they hated each other.

Buffy had a small smile show on her face and she gave Spike a quick glance. "Oh no," Xander said, shaking his head. "Your body was hijacked by an evil… thing and now they're making you do weird stuff so you'll feel horrible later."

"Not exactly."

"Brain washed?"

"No."

"Amnesia?"

"No?"

"Evil?"

"No."

"Then…"

"We just realized some stuff along the incredibly annoying and creepy experience that was the past… however many hours- thirty you said?"

"And that brings you into the red zone on the insane-o-meter?" Xander finished.

"I knew he was gonna be like this," Spike said.

"What, protecting my friend from your demonic possessed body?"

"Excuse me?" Anya said.

"Huh?"  
"What's wrong with demonic possession? Hello, ex-vengeance demon."

"Yes, ex. Not still."

"Well let's see if I'm _still_ your girlfriend tomorrow." Anya pushed past him and started to leave.

"Anya, I didn't mean you."

"Well maybe you should think before you say things Xander." She continued out of the graveyard and down the road.

Xander turned back to Buffy and Spike. "You see what he does?"

"This ain't my fault."

"How isn't it your fault?"

"My mouth wasn't runnin' when she got mad."

"But you're the one that made me say it."

"Xander, Spike. Please stop," Buffy intervened.

"He started it."

"Did not," Spike countered.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Shut up!" Buffy yelled. "Could you act any less mature? You gonna start throwing things at each other now?"

Up on the highest branch of a tree was a woman with short, spikey black hair looking down at the argument below her. "Are you kidding me Lenity? These people are the ones who bested you?" She observed the blonde girl holding an ear of each guy. "I'm deeply ashamed to call you my cousin." She smiled and did a small circular motion with her right hand, ending with a jolt of her pointer finger. A big book, with tainted pages from age, appeared in her hands. "Let's see what we have here for you." She flipped through the pages and nodded at one of the stories. "How about this one?" With a zap from her finger, they were gone.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Buffy awoke to a bright land, like Wizard of Oz bright. And she was near a quaint little house that was made of stone and wood. She looked down and saw she was in a blue dress with a white apron. "Oh crap." She stood up and walked over to the house. She knocked lightly and said, "Hello?"

"Buffy?" a familiar voice replied.

"Xander?"

"Don't come in here," he warned.

"Why, what's wrong?"

"Just leave the door closed."

"Xander what's going-" she opened the door and her sentence stopped. "Xander?"

"I'm a bunny," he said sadly. He was curled up beside a fireplace that wasn't lit.

Buffy held back a laugh with all her might. "You're the White Rabbit. That's so cute."

"Yes, I can see I'm white and a rabbit."

"No, you're _the_ white rabbit. From _Alice in Wonderland_."

"Well I don't want to be a rabbit. I want to be a person. And home. In my actual home, not my rabbit home."

"I can't believe this is happening again."

"At least you're a person."

"It always seemed to work out that way. No complaints. Spike though- oh no. Spike?" she said as she left the house.

"Wait for me." He got up and tried to walk but fell on his face. "Oh come on, I have to hop? He gets to run in the movie." He tried one more time and fell on his face. Finally he let out a sigh and hopped outside. "Buffy, could you tell me what- ah!" he screamed when a cat sped after him.

"Spike, stop!" Buffy said. The cat stopped and ran back to her.

"Spike?" Xander hopped over to her.

"That's right mate."

"How come you get to be the Cheshire Cat?"

"Ain't all it's cracked up to be. My legs disappeared as I ran over here."

"At elast you don't have to hop like some stupid… bunny."

"Runnin' on all fours ain't exactly simple."

"I have a cotton ball tail," he said as he pointed to the fluff on his rear end. This made Buffy and Spike give in and start to laugh out loud. "Are you kidding me? Buffy?!"

"I'm sorry Xander, but it's just so funny."

"What's funny about this?" he said as he gestured to his body. This made them laugh harder. "I gotta get out of here. How exactly do we do that?"

Buffy and Spike wiped tears from their eyes. "I don't know how we get out, we just suddenly appear in a new story."

"Well how did you appear home?"

"We broke Lenity's crystal ball."

"There we go. Progress. Let's look for a crystal ball." Xander started hopping down the road. Buffy put down Spike and they followed him.

"Better watch out Xander," Spike said. "Someone might try getting' some of your lucky rabbit's feet."

"Could you not talk Lucifer?" Xander asked.

"As long as you-" He suddenly stopped and started to heave. Buffy and Xander waited and saw a clump of hair come out of Spike's feline mouth. "That's disgustin'."

"Very attractive," Buffy seconded.


	2. What Now

Chapter Two

"So can we give a round about time of when I'll be back to my normal self?"

Buffy kept her eyes open as they followed the path. "As soon as we figure out what we have to do, which in this case would be to get back home."

"That's always been the plan."

"Not _our_ home, Alice's home. I'm just afraid of what the queen will be like."

"Angry and fat?"

"Possible fangs or turns into a dragon on whim," Spike finished.

"Have you ever read this story?"

"Xander, I told you, these stories don't stick to their happily ever afterness," Buffy said, exhausted with the arguing. "What the…"

"What?" Xander asked. He followed her gaze and started jumping in the air to see what she was seeing. "Some of us aren't people right now. What do you see?"

"A house with bunny ears and a fur roof."

"The hare's place?"

"No, I bet that's where the queen lives," Spike joked.

"No need to be sarcastic you… sarcastic person." Buffy and Spike gave him a crooked look. "Hey, cut me some slack, I've been turned into a bunny."

"The tea party's going on, just like in the story." Buffy made her way over to the house, which was actually pretty big for a rabbit. But of course, if you've read the story you know that. Spike walked elegantly as Xander hopped up the path. The Hare was as tall as she and the Hatter were, but the Dormouse was much bigger than he was in the movie; he was half Buffy's size.

"There's no room!" the Hatter and Hare yelled. They occupied one end of the twenty seating table.

"What would you call all those vacant chairs?"

"No matter what you call them they don't respond," the Hatter answered.

"Would you like some beer?" The Hare grabbed a cup from the spot next to him.

"You have beer?"

"No."

"Then how can I have beer?"

The Hare shook his head. "You can't. Why do you keep asking about beer?"

Buffy looked down at Xander and Spike. "I don't speak looney," Spike said.

"I'm trying to find the queen's castle. Do you know where it is?"

"What is?" asked the Hare.

"The queen's castle."

"We have a queen?" the Hatter said with shock.

"I don't think so. We do have a house though," the Hare replied.

"Yes, I see that but I need to find the queen."

"You aren't looking very hard if you came here." The Hatter took a sip of his tea and returned his attention to the tablecloth.

"I just wanted to know if you knew where she was."

"How can I tell you where someone is if you don't tell me who 'she' is?" the Hare asked, feeling smart.  
"'She' is the queen."

"Who's the queen?"

"The ruler of this place?"

"She rules my house?"

"No. Well, kinda but she rules all of Wonderland."

"I don't remember voting for her." The Hare turned to the Hatter for an agreement to his statement but the man was still examining the table.

"I don't think you vote for queen. Spike?"

"What, just 'cause I'm British I should know this?" the cat replied.

"Better than me."

"Are you talking to a cat?" the Hare asked.

"Yes."

The Hare let out a small laugh. "Someone's a little looney."

"More than one and more than a little," Xander said under his breath.

"Can you just please tell me where the queen lives."

"You're looking for where the queen lives?"

"Yes," Buffy said with relief.

"Who's the queen?"

"The person I'm-" Buffy stopped herself. It was pretty clear that they were as useless in this place as they were in the movie. "Thanks for your lack of help."

"You're welcome."

Buffy exhaled and headed back to the road. Spike followed, as did Xander after commenting, "Love your decorator by the way."

"Well they were a bunch of whack jobs," Spike said.

"No kidding."

"All I want is to get out of here but we have to find… the queen?" Buffy said with question. They looked ahead and saw a parade coming through. There were playing cards walking but they, of course, were different from the ones in the movie. They were metal with hearts etches into their frames. They carried scepters with three sharp daggers on the tips. There was also a carriage, all red, drawn by black horses.

"And I have to find my million dolla-ah!" Xander was cut off by the sudden pull from Buffy. The three outsiders jumped out of the way and hid behind some bushes at a reasonable distance. "I can't see anything," Xander said, moving from spot to spot for a place to watch.

"Stop movin' around ya git!" Spike hissed.

"Shut up you two or they'll-" Buffy paused when a shadow rose over her. She hesitantly looked up to see three cards holding their weapons at the ready to strike. "Oh."

"What is it?" a woman asked.

"It's a girl, a cat and a weasel."

"I am not a weasel."

"Shut up Xander," Buffy scolded.

"Are they alive?"

"I don't even look like a weasel," Xander said under his breath.

"Yes your majesty."

"Can you fix that problem?"

"Yes your majesty." They jammed their weapons at her but she rolled out of the way. Buffy kicked one and created a domino effect. She snatched his scepter and jabbed it at where a human heart would be but all that happened was a twang noise and the staff shook.

"Great." Buffy dodged a strike and just tried to weave around them. "What the heck are we gonna do?" she asked, even though she was the one being attacked.

"Is there a Giles in these evil tales?"

"Sometimes, but he isn't really Giles-" Buffy blocked a strike with her scepter and tried scarring his surface again. "So next plan?"

"I'm not Plan Guy. I'm sarcastic guy, builder guy and minimal research guy. I'm very far from being Plan Guy."

Spike tried clawing at the cards' legs but they just kicked him off and continued attacking Buffy. Xander tried looking for something to use as a weapon but being a foot tall had its limits, which were many. "And it's not like I can kick them away," he said to himself.

Buffy continued to defend herself from the cards but then one made it's scepter start to spark and then there was a full current flowing through it. "How did you do that?" Buffy asked as she looked for some kind of switch.

Xander hopped up to try and broaden his weapon horizons and spotted something useful. "Plan! I have a plan!" he yelled.

Buffy was trying to push a card off of her as she lay on the ground. "What is it?"

"Follow me."

"I'll get right on that," Buffy said as she strained. Spike leapt on the cards face and started scratching it to pieces. Buffy rolled out from under him and ran after Xander. He hopped his way to a river. "Great plan Xander, except I don't think they'll really want to go swimming." She looked behind her and the cards were pursuing her, the one scepter's spark still keeping hold. Then a light bulb dinged in Buffy's head, making her realize Xander's plan. She slipped behind a tree and tripped the first card that ran by. The second and third stopped and Buffy revealed herself from behind the tree. After a minute of scrambling she managed to push and flip the other two cards into the water. She kicked the electric scepter in and the cards started jolting and screaming before they became peacefully still.

"Buffy!"

"Spike!" she yelled, realizing he wasn't there. She ran back to where they were and Spike was being held up back the back of his neck. He tried swiping at them but he just twirled around, not making a scratch. There were now twenty cards with scepters at the ready.

"Talk about fightin' fair," he said, finally stopping.

"Come with us," the Ten of Hearts requested. Although with the sharp points aimed for her stomach, she thought it was more of a demand. She held her hands up and walked as the cards parted way to the coach.

The Nine of Hearts grabbed Xander by the back of his neck. "Hey!" He tried to kick and scratch, even though he lacked claws, but also met with defeat. "Ya know for being wide and made of metal, you can sneak up pretty good." The Nine shook his head and walked tot eh carriage.

Xander skidded on the floor once the card tossed him in. Spike had already taken Buffy's lap on the opposite side of the queen. He wrinkled his nose and sat next to her. She put her hand around his side and hugged him closer.

"You defeated three of my guards. All aces I believe."

"I paid less attention to their numbers and more attention to their trying to kill me."

The queen smiled a little. She was very pretty, with curly, red hair (the color of Willow's, Buffy thought) that was an inch past her shoulders. Her skintight red dress, that accentuated her white complexion, had a deep v-neck and came out to a puddle around her feet. "Well, for being a little girl you have amazing fighting abilities."

"Um, thank you?"

"And since you have relieved me of three guards, perhaps you are interested in taking their place. Since they were so highly ranked, and highly trained, you will be the closest at my side as their replacement, if you so choose."

"That's really nice and all but I'm just trying to get home."

"Home to where?"

"I'm not really sure. I came through a door hole." To herself Buffy said, "I think."

"Well I'm not sure where we'll find it but I can try and help you with that."

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"What?!" Ebony said as the story wrote itself upon the page. She slammed her book shut in anger, not wanting to see what else develops. "I send the Slayer to her destruction and she finds the Mary Poppins of Wonderland?" She started pacing, trying to figure out some other story that will pan out better in the destruction direction. A smile crept across her face once she figured it out. She walked over to her book and wrote down a title of a story on the first page. "Let's see how you like this one."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Buffy's eyes opened to a completely different setting. She was on a beach with extreme jungle going on behind her. The water was as clear as glass and gently lopping onto the shore. She looked down and realized she was wearing a white night gown. "Okay, helpful much?" She looked around for some other clue as to what story she was in now. "Of course, once things are going good we have to change stories. We can't just get home, we have to-" She was cut off by a loud boom in the distance. She looked out to sea and saw a pirate ship. "Oh no," she said, realizing what the boom noise was. She ran into the jungle, just in case the cannon fire was heading towards her. She tried to find some sort of path but there was only a mass of untracked grass and bushes. "What is this, The Jungle Book?"

"Buffy!" someone yelled in the distance.

"Xander?!" she yelled back.

"Buffy, where are you?!"

"Over here!" She yelled, but then realized that he didn't know where 'here' is. "I'm by the beach!" Again, how does he know where the beach is? "Xander!" They continued to yell to each other until they spied the familiar bodies.

"Buffy!" They ran into each other's arms. They parted and Xander took in Buffy's outfit, as she did his. "Nice nightgown."

"Nice… whatever you're wearing."

"Whatever it is I clearly don't wash it. So, what the heck happened? One minute I'm in a carriage with someone who wants to take us home and the next I'm lying under a blanket disguised as a mound of dirt."

"I'm sure it'll happen more than once too. Have you seen Spike?"

"No."

"Spike?" she yelled into the trees.

"So what story are we in now?"

Buffy walked straight into the jungle, Xander on her heels. "I have no clue. Spike?"

"Well how many stories can have a jungle in them?"

"You'd be surprised. Spike? Where is he?"

"Buffy!" a voice called.

"Spike!"

"Buffy!" She spun around in a circle. It sounded like his voice was coming from all directions.

"What the-" Xander started.

Buffy turned to where he was facing. She watched as Spike floated down from the sky wearing an outfit made of leaves and grass.

"He gets to be Peter Pan?! That's no fair."


	3. One Down

Chapter Three

Buffy threw her arms around him. Even though this wasn't the first time this happened, or the fifth, she was still worried she wouldn't be able to find him. She let go and asked, "So what's it like to fly?"

"I highly recommend it if ya get the chance."

"So, yet again we have to get home?" Xander asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah I'd assume so."

"And one more question." Buffy looked at him. "Why does he get to be Peter Pan?" She rolled her eyes. "I mean come on, Peter Pan isn't blonde. At least I don't think so. And… something else in my defense."

"Xander, you don't get extra points for being a main character."

"Seriously Harris, ya gonna whine the whole time we're here?"

"Wait a minute. If you're Peter Pan then where's-"Buffy was cut off by a glowing light flying in Spike's face. "Tinkerbell."

Xander looked closer and saw that the fairy looked like, "Anya?" He moved closer and she turned to face him. "Anya?"

"It's not Anya."

"Looks like Anya. Anya!"

"Xander, we've been through this. Yes, it looks like Anya but it isn't Anya."

"Tinkerbell doesn't look like Anya in the book so why does she here?"

"I don't _know_. If I was the one picking out the stories then I'd be in an expensive hotel room, sitting in my personal hot tub. I don't know what book that is but it sounds great to me."

Spike brushed a piece of hair from her face. "What now?" The little fairy started buzzing in his face again. "Go away."

"She's jealous."

"Not my problem." She continued to jingle and swarm. "Bugger off!"

"Spike, I don't think-" The fairy flew over to Buffy and grabbed her hair. "Ow! Let go!" Spike swatted her off and she flew into a tree. Anya looked up from the grass and began to cry. She flew off with a faint light following her.

"You all right?" Spike asked Buffy. But Xander laid a punch into his jaw before she answered.

"Xander!"

"How dare you to that to her."

"Xander, it isn't Anya."

"I don't care. She's still a big part of this story and with her gone, who knows what else happens."

"This is just like the movie."

"Buffy, the dormouse is not as big as the hare in the movie and the house doesn't look like fur. If they don't follow the book, who's to say they follow the movie."

Buffy swallowed, realizing what he was saying. He was right. She has no idea what could happen. Instead of pirates they could be pigmies. Instead of Indians they could be… pigmies. She really didn't know, but she didn't want them to think they were in any danger. "All right just calm down. We'll get out of here and everything will be fine. We just need to wander around."

"Wander? No way. If we wander we run into things that want to kill us."

"And if we stay here, _they_ wander into _us_ and want to kill us," Spike said.

"He's right Xander."

"Of course he's right. You two are dating now so everything he says sounds more right than what I say."

"Don't be like that Xander. You're my best friend."

"Really? 'Cause it doesn't seem like I'm you're best friend now. You're listening to all of Captain Peroxide's ideas instead of mine. You never did that. You also never held his hand or talked without arguing."

"And you never had sex on a regular basis. Things change when you're in a relationship."

Xander's jaw dropped. "Now it's a relationship?"

"You just said we were dating!"

"I know but you were supposed to disagree and say you suffered momentary insanity."

"That's not gonna happen Xander."

"Well I'm not following him."

"Ya know, just because we're in Peter Pan doesn't mean you have to act like a child," Buffy yelled.

"And just because you're Wendy doesn't mean you have to swoon over him!"

"I am not swooning."

"Oh, you're swooning."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Don't make me punch you!" She held up a fist as a threat.

"Go ahead. It'll be the perfect ending to this catastrophe of a subject!"

"I didn't tell you to keep away from Anya even though she was a vengeance demon!"

"_Was_ being the key word there."

"That doesn't change the fact that she was evil and did bad things."

"And being with Spike doesn't change the fact that he still _does_!" Xander fell to the ground after being knocked on the back of the head with a coconut.

"Xander? Oh my God did I do that?" She went over to him.

"I think it was that coconut and I'm guessin' it'll have friends." Spike looked into the trees but he couldn't see anyone.

"Buffy we gotta go."

"Not without Xander." She lifted him up and Spike threw him over his shoulder. They both ran towards the beach and the coconuts began to fly. "Keep running!"

"Really, ya think?" Buffy said sarcastically. They made it to the beach and to the water's edge. Suddenly Buffy fell into the sand. Spike dropped Xander and grabbed her hand. "Spike!"

"Hold on Buffy!" He pulled back but his fingers slipped.

"Spike!" she yelled before disappearing.

"Buffy!" He started digging where she disappeared but all he found was more sand. "BUFFY!!"

Xander began to groan slightly. He rolled over to face the noise and saw a blurry person. He closed his eyes and opened them again to see Spike digging in the sand. He quickly sat up. "Sand? Why is there sand? What did you do?" He looked around and noticed Buffy was gone. Spike was now sitting, completely still. "Where's Buffy?"

"She's gone," he said lightly.

"Where?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

Spike quickly rose. "I mean I don't know!" He tightened his fingers around clumps of his hair. "She disappeared into the sand."

Xander looked down at where Spike was sitting and began to frantically dig some more. "Buffy?"

"She's not there."

Now he angrily stood. "I told you! I told you we shouldn't move! Look what happened!"

"This isn't my fault. Somethin' was chuckin' coconuts at us and if we didn't run, then whatever _they_ were, would have us."

"So instead we lose Buffy to the Sandman."

"Hey, I tried to pull her back up! You were unconscious!"

"You better back up Spike or I swear I will drive a stake through your heart so fast you won't realize it because you're dust."

"Do it. If ya don't realize, I'm standin' in the sun and not catchin' fire Harris. What makes you think a stake's gonna do anythin'?"

"Let's find out."

Suddenly the world went to black.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Spike woke up in a surprisingly comfortable bed. A fur was thrown over him for a blanket. It looked like he was underground, surrounded by dirt and roots. He looked over and saw Xander was in a hammock fashioned from leaves and vines. He got up and walked over to him. "Hey!" he yelled into his ear.

Xander jerked awake and flipped out of the hammock onto the ground. "Ow."

"Sorry to wake ya Sleeping Ugly but we got a situation."

Xander stood up and brushed himself off. "Where the hell are we?"

"That's the situation."

"Wait a minute. This must be the hiding spot. Where the lost boys and Peter Pan live."

"Great. How do we get outta here?"

"I… don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Want me to spell it out for you?"

"So you _do_ understand what 'I don't know' means?" Xander exhaled, realizing what Spike was talking about. "And if this is home, where's the rest of the family?"

"Maybe hitting more people with coconuts. Oh no."

"What?"

"They hit us with coconuts that's what? What if they're demons or vampires or-"

A bunch of random yells of excitement were heard in the distance but they quickly grew closer. The lost boys showed up, each from their own tree trunk entrance. "A bunch of boys," Spike finished.

"You're awake!" They all yelled. They were the size of them but they acted like children.

"Yeah. Uh, did you knock us unconscious?" Spike asked.

"Accidentally."

"How was it accidentally? Someone else wearin' this ridiculous outfit 'round here?"

"Well we're practicing just like you said, so we thought you guys were being moving targets."

"No, we were not moving targets."

"Where's Buffy?" Spike asked.

"Who?"

"Wendy," Xander corrected.

"Wasn't she with you?"

"Yeah, but then she was pulled into the sand."

All the boys looked at each other and then gathered into one terrified group. "The pirates."

"How did the pirates do that?"

"They set up all kinds of traps on the beach. That's why you told us not to go out there except in the areas you told us."

"Well where is she? On the boat?"

"Unluckily for her."

Xander and Spike looked at each other. "We gotta get her back."

"For once we agree," Xander confirmed. They ran to the where the lost boys came in but they couldn't seem to get out. "Um, how do you get out of here?"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Xander and Spike took solace in the trees and used a telescope to peer onto the ship. "Oh… bloody hell."

"What?"

Spike handed him the telescope and he looked. The pirates weren't even human. They were each made up of different ocean creatures. One had arms of an octopus but a face made of starfish. Another had an arm of a hammerhead shark, just the hammer part but equally scary, and the face of coral. He slowly lowered the telescope. "Not that this is the first time, but this isn't going to be easy."

"Maybe I can just fly in, get her and get out?"

"Hey yeah. And maybe I can distract them with my lovely rendition of the Nutcracker," Xander joked.

"I'm sure you're kiddin', but I wouldn't put it past ya to know that."

"We're gonna need a plan. So let's put our heads together."

"The only thing we'll get is a hollow noise."

"Spike, just work with me here. If we don't have a plan, then we don't have a Buffy, and then we don't go home. _Ever_."

Spike nodded."All right. So what do ya got?"

"I was hoping you'd have something."

"Why me?"

"You're Peter Pan. You're the leader."

"I'm Spike as Peter Pan, not Peter Pan as Peter Pan."

"Good point. Okay, we just have to stay on our toes and think of something. Keep your eyes open and be ready for any- AH!" They both screamed when Tinkerbell suddenly appeared in front of them, and fell out of the tree.


	4. Suggestions

Chapter Four

Xander shook his head from the shock but realized that only aided in the intensity of his headache.

"Bloody hell." Spike sat up and realized Xander was on top of him. "Could ya get off me monkey boy?"

Xander looked down and realized the position they were in. "Yeah. Not awkward." He rolled off and stood up.

Spike rose and brushed himself off. "What's up with the flyin' light bulb? She nearly killed us. Ain't she supposed to be helpful?"

"I know _I_ would want to help the person who knocked _me_ into a tree."

"Be more of a pain. No wait, you might actually take me up on that offer."

"So tell me, do you plan on distracting the pirates with your fluorescent hair or just your good manners?"

"I'm sure you could really do some damage with your usual tactic, runnin' your head into their fists."

"Wow Spike, I now see what Buffy saw in you. You really are a catch. How did Drusilla ever leave you?"

Spike punched Xander across the face making him fall to the ground. Xander moved his jaw to make sure it was still intact. He looked up at Spike and ran into him, ramming his abdomen with his shoulder. Spike slammed up against a tree and felt every piece of bark penetrating his skin. He punched Xander in the stomach twice and he backed off.

Tinkerbell flew down and buzzed around Spike's face. "What's your problem?" She tried to act out something but he couldn't really understand because she was moving so fast. "Slow down." Xander tried to watch and decipher too. She pretended like she was screaming and then held her hands behind her back. Then she started acting like she was walking a plank.

"They're gonna make Buffy walk the plank?" Xander said. Tinkerbell nodded and pointed at Xander.

"Talk about breakin' the mold."

"Okay, we gotta figure out this thing fast."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Buffy's head was pulled up from a bucket of ice water and she gasped for air. Her whole body was shivering, not to mention wet, after they kept her whole body in cold water for ten minutes. It did the trick though because now she wasn't able to punch any more of them in the face like when she first woke up on the boat. Her body was trying to reheat itself but not a Slayerly pace.

"So what were you saying about Peter Pan?" the captain asked. She was assuming he was the deranged version of Captain Hook. Only he didn't so much have a hook for hand as a very sharp axe. She wasn't just assuming it was sharp because he made a clear demonstration of where the term "splitting hairs" came from when he ripped one from her head and dropped it on the axe's slick surface.

"You were saying… something about him and … I said you were… something mean… can't really remember what… must be the water." Buffy's lungs were burning from all her gasping. She could barely feel the pirates tentacles that rested on her hands and the back of her head.

"Just a suggestion but maybe ya want to reconsider playing smart."

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm the one that decides how long you're held under and how often it's done."

"In that case… I can hold my… breath for… 3 minutes."

The captain raised his chin, telling the human squid to dunk her again. Buffy's face plunged into the water, sending her body into more shock. There's really no way to prepare yourself for being forcefully dunked into water like you're digging for ice cubes.

Suddenly there was a loud bang and a rush of heat. The guy removed Buffy's head and let her fall backwards onto the floor. The captain jumped up and grabbed Buffy, holding his axe to her throat. "Go out there," he told the squid.

"Is this… your idea… of foreplay…. Gotta say… not interested."

"Do you ever shut up?"

Another pirate, head of a hammer head, burst through the door. "They're attacking sir."

"Who?"

"I don't know. It seems it's coming from everywhere."

The Captain tossed Buffy on the floor and looked out on the deck. A part of his boat had a hole and there were coconuts being thrown from everywhere. He ran out and looked into the sky but saw nothing. "Pan! I know it's you! There's no one else on that island who can fly!" There was no response and still no sign of anyone or anything in the sky. "I have someone you might find interesting." He went into his cabin and picked up… nothing. "Where did she go?!"

"Captain?" the hammerhead asked. The captain grabbed his head and threw him against the floor.

"Where is the girl?!"

"I don't know captain."

"Well find her!"

"Captain we're taking up water." All the pirates were frantically running around the deck, avoiding coconuts and out of pure panic. A few of the crew were sprawled on the ship after coconut impact. This was when the clock ticking chimed in. This made the panic level rise even higher. They looked out into the water and saw the large dark shadow making it's way over to the boat.

"That went well," Xander said from the safety of the beach.

Spike was trying to warm up Buffy, who was still shivering. "Says the guy… who isn't freezing."

Xander kneeled down and tried rubbing his hands on one of her arms to try and warm her up. "Yeah, that must've been a blast."

"The only thing… to make it better… would be… dipping me in hot… water then cold… water so I could… actually go in shock."

"I'm sorry Buffy," Spike said as he held her close, trying to give her body heat.

"Not your… fault."

All of them turned to the water and saw as the Godzilla sized crocodile heaved onto the boat and sunk every piece of wood into the water.

"Seems like the only way to make things creepier is just to make'em bigger." Spike was referring to the colossal werewolves they had to put up with before. Well, he and Buffy. Xander was just worried about Buffy instead of fearing what next story he'd be randomly plopped into and what dire twists it would have.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Okay, so this is harder than I thought." Ebony barely restrained herself from shattering her teeth from her tightly clenched jaw. She paced back and forth trying to think of a new story to take up. Her mind was clouded with anger that she couldn't really think straight. "For crying out loud!"

"Hello?" Anya said as she walked through,

Ebony jolted and left her sanctuary for a spot on the ground. She walked towards the woman, wondering what she was doing in a graveyard at this incredible early, or late depending on how you looked at it, time of day. "Hello."

"Oh, hi. What are you doing here?"

"I was participating in a drum circle."

"You're being sarcastic," Anya said, as if the woman was trying to play a game.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm… visiting a dead family member. My dad. He died of a human condition."

"Oh sorry." There was a moment of silence before, "Uh, this may sound weird but can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What was your favorite story you heard when you were a little girl?"

"Oh." Anya was kind of caught of guard but she smoothly answered, "Well, even though I was young only a short time ago, I can't really remember what my parents told me. They did like to read to me though because that's what our family did. They were all big readers. Are still actually. They're not all dead because… that would be weird. Unless I was an orphan- which I'm not. I'm normal."

"Clearly." Ebony rolled her eyes at the freak show that stood before her.

"I do remember this one about a girl and an animal like character. The moral was basically to not judge a book by it's cover but how could you not think a giant beastly thing was anything but hideous and intending to eat you up?" she said.

"Oh I know what you're talking about. Thanks." She stood there, waiting for Anya to leave.

"You're welcome." She also just stood there. "Are you going to be leaving?"

"Are you?"

"Well of course, I mean who hangs out in graveyards?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Right, well I'm sure I won't see you again." Anya walked past her and continued through the graveyard.

Ebony returned to her book and took her new friend's suggestion.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Buffy awoke in a bed, of all places. "Well, can't say this sucks." She was also wearing proper clothes, a simple salmon colored dress That hugged her chest and was a big bushel of fabric at the bottom. She got up and wander out into the hall, carefully. Her jaw dropped when she saw Giles sitting at the dining room table.

"Good evening Beauty. You feeling better?"

"Giles!" She ran to him and gave him a big hug. _Even though it isn't really him, this is good enough for right now._

"Oh, darling." He stood up and hugged her back. "It's so good to have you back home. Even though it'll only be for a few more hours."

Her face contorted. She let go and asked, "What?"

"Pardon?"

"What do you mean for only one more day?"

"You said that was the agreement. He let you go so you could be home for a week and then you'd go back to the castle."

Buffy looked down at the ground. _Where the hell am I? What is he talking about? Where's Spike and Xander?_

"Beauty?"

_Beauty?… Oh! Beauty. Like _Beauty and the Beast_. But isn't her name Belle?_ "Uh, sorry. I was just… you're talking about the Beast?"

"Maybe you should lie back down."

"No, I'm fine. I just-"

"Beauty!"

"You're awake!" The two girls who came in looked just like Willow and Anya. They went right over to her and gave her big hugs. Buffy smiled and hugged them back. "So, guess what. We were just talking and we think that you should stay longer. You should go back some time next week. We've missed you so much and we're not ready for you to leave," the Anya look alike said.

"Buffy!"

Her head quickly turned when she heard her real name. "Xander!" They held each other tightly.

"I am never gonna get used to this."

"What are you doing Bartholomew?" Willow asked sternly.

Xander looked at her. "I'm just happy to see her."

"You've never hugged _me_ like that." Again, snottily.

"Well I…"

"Well I," she said mockingly.

"I'm gonna get some fresh air," Buffy said.

"Me too." He followed her outside and a few feet away from the house. "Okay, where are we and why is Willow the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"_Beauty and the Beast_."

"I don't remember Beauty having siblings, let alone conniving ones. Are you sure this isn't Cinderella, country style?"

"Giles called me Beauty. And he said that I promised to return to the beast tomorrow. Other than those two facts, no I'm not sure."

"You don't have to be all sarcastic, I wasn't the one in there with him. So, even though we're in a separate dimension he still knows everything?"

"What did you say about conniving?"

"What? Oh, Willow and Anya were saying… well, not so pleasant things about you."

"Then why were they all chipper?"

"Because they're trying to get you to not go back so that the Beast will get mad and come and eat you."

"What? That's ridiculous."

"Tell them that. Actually, don't. They'll know I told you."

"We already do." Buffy and Xander turned and saw Willow come out of the shadows. "So, you're secretly helping her? What kind of husband are you?"

"Me? What about you, the sister who's plotting her sister's death. How _Clue_."

"Well since you've already messed up my plans it looks like I'm gonna have to physically take matters into my own hands." Willows fingernails were replaced by long, sharp claws.

"What the…" Xander trailed off. He and Buffy slowly backed up. "Do you happen to have a big ball of yarn?"

"I left that in my other tight dress."

"Well maybe you can-" Buffy fell to the ground in an instant. The last thing Xander saw was Buffy passed out on the ground.

"Good night," Anya said with a smirk, throwing the broken tree limb on the ground.


	5. That Can't Be Good

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Xander slowly regained consciousness. He groggily checked his bearings and realized his arms had been tied. "Well, nothing like a good ol' kidnapping to make you feel right at home." He felt someone behind him, tied to him. "Buffy?" He turned his head and tried to stretch his neck to see. "Buffy wake up!" He tried to hop in the chair but it was difficult with another person tied to you. "Buffy!" Again with the hopping but it ended with a plop to the floor. "Oh crap. Buffy you okay?" She remained silent. "Don't say anything if you're okay." Nothing. "Okay good." Next he tried to wiggle on the floor which, note to all, is VERY hard when tied to a chair. "Now I know what a duster feels like."

Buffy started making groaning noises.

"Buffy! You awake?"

Another moan, this time in pain.

"Take that as a yes."

"What the-"

"We're tied to a chair."

She looked to the side to assess the predicament. "Yeah, I can see that."

"And they knocked us on our sides, I don't know how that seems important but they did it anyway," Xander lied.

Buffy tried wriggling around in the ropes.

"I already tried that. For two girls they can do a pretty mean-" The ropes around Xander loosened when Buffy wriggled free. "I guess I wiggled when I should've waggled." He slipped out of the ropes and Buffy helped dust him off.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, other than being knocked out by my girlfriend and my best friend helping I'd say peachy with a side of keen is the status."

Buffy looked out the window and noticed that it was dark out. "Spike!" She darted out the door.

"What?" he asked while running after her. "What about him?"

"He's probably the Beast, I have to get to him."

"Buffy, we have no idea where the castle is and it's kinda dark if ya haven't noticed."

"I don't care I have to find him. Something could happen to him."

"And us. This isn't Sunnydale Buffy. This is the hundred acre wood where grizzlies and wolves come out to play and we're the chew toys."

"I don't care, I can't just sit around here."

"Let's at least get back to the house and get some horses."

"Great idea. Do you have a map on you by any chance?" she asked sarcastically.

"Look's like you had an attitude adjustment too."

"You're stalling me!"

"Am not, I'm trying to keep us alive. Are you seriously that attached to him? I mean come on Buffy it's Spike!"

"I'm aware of that. What about you? You love Anya, a vengeance demon."

"Okay, here comes the rap sheet. I know but she's different. EX- vengeance demon. CURRENT vampire."

"Who loves me."

"How do you know it isn't a trick?"

"Because it's not! Now stop arguing and do something useful."

"I can't just go running around out there. Let's find the house."

"Okay, plan B. You find the house and I'll find Spike." Without an answer Buffy darted off into the night.

"Buffy! Come back!" Xander sighed. "I couldn't keep up with your MPH anyway!" He started examining his surroundings to try and see if there was a clue as to where the evil spawn had went. He tried to look at everything he could, tapping into his one day at Brownies. He had gone with Willow because he didn't want to go to Boy Scouts by himself. After a an hour they both decided it wasn't really their thing, but there a few helpful hints in there. If he gets really lost he should hug a tree. Okay, so not really anything helpful for this situation. Hugging a tree would only lead to being found by things wanting to kill or eat him. Most likely.

Finally, on the other side of the house he found some hoof prints. Thank God for mud and leaves. He started following them, breaking into a run when he had clear view of where the prints were. After about fifteen minutes he saw a light in the distance. _I did it! I found the house! Go Xander. It's your birthday. _He tried to quietly GI Joe his way through the trees and toward it's faint light. The horses were tied up out front. All he had to do was untie them, walk them away (to be quiet) and then ride them to find Buffy. _Simple._ He made it to the horses and carefully untied their reigns. They didn't make any noises so all was going to plan so far.

"I just wish she had said goodbye," Giles said.

"I know father, but I guess… now you're seeing what she's really like. She didn't care about us. Any of us," Willow said, rubbing his shoulders as he sulked at the table.

"But she came home."

"Probably just to make you _think_ she loved you but really she probably just wanted to pick up more things and leave. She _is_ living with a monster Father."

"Maybe I could go to the castle and see her."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's too dark outside, you'll get lost," Anya chimed in.

"I can find it."

_Lightbulb. Run in, grab Giles and ride with him to find Buffy and the castle. Only… there are two violent, strong girls in my way._

"You should just go to bed. We'll come bring you some soup in a while to help you sleep." Giles stood from the table and was ready to take their advice when Xander came barging through the door.

"Hello all."

"Bartholomew," Willow said, shocked.

"How did you escape?"

"It's amazing what a little elbow grease and a sharp stone can do. Didn't know I was so resourceful did you."

"Where's Beauty?"

"Beauty?" Giles said with excitement.

"She's off with the Beast, hanging out, drinking some champagne coolies. Hey Giles, why don't we go see her?"

"Do you honestly think that's possible? That we'd let you?"

"Well gosh Fairy Godmother, if I don't get the dress I want I'll never see the Prince at the ball."

"What on earth are you babbling about?"

"Nothing, different story. But either way, you two have been very naughty girls."

"Oh you haven't even seen naughty." They neglected Giles and ran after Xander, who quickly turned tail and ran. They noticed he disappeared but heard some rustling to their left. The two ran in that direction. Xander slipped back in the house and grabbed Giles. "Come on, we gotta move."

"What on earth is going on?"

"Soon your little hellions are gonna figure out I'm not running that way and we need to be gone before they notice. Now let's move and find the castle."

"The Beast's castle?"

"Yeah, ya know the one your nice daughter's at." He leapt on a horse and Giles lead the way. As they rode Xander called out for Buffy, hoping to hear some kind of response. "Buffy! I have a horse to ride on! Answer me! Buffy!"

"Who is Buffy?"

"Beauty. It's my nickname for her."

"Oh."

"Buffy!"

"I thought she was at the castle."

"She is. Maybe. Buffy!"

"She's lost out here?"

"No. Look, we gotta head to the castle, that way if Buffy isn't there I can at least help Spike- the Beast, if something happens to him."

"I don't-"

"Just ride to the castle and as we go I'll call for Buffy. If we go looking for her, we could get lost and she'll kill me if something happens to Spike. Apparently. Don't know why but that's how it is and she's my friend so… anyway."

They ended up not finding Buffy but they did find the castle. Xander ran inside and stopped to marvel at the size of the place. "Holy cow! My _house_ could live here."

"Xander?"

"Buffy! Where are you?"

She came running down the stairs. "Did you find him?"

"Who?"

"Spike. He's not upstairs."

"No, I just got here. Giles is outside, very confused, but no Spike."

"We have to find him Xander." Buffy was very near tears. Her eyes were glistening and when she blinked the first tear fell.

He pulled her into an embrace. "It's okay, we'll find him." He gave her a quick hug and let go. "Now, less hugging more searching. Spike!" he yelled down the hallway. Buffy went left and tried calling for him too.

Finally Xander reached a greenhouse and there he was, Spike, lying on the ground. He was really ugly. He had the face of a boar with tusks and a snout. "Oh crap, Buffy! He's back here! Hurry!"

She came running through and started crying more when she saw him. "Oh God. Spike! Spike? Oh please Spike say something. Please." She cradled his head close to her, letting her tears fall on him. Xander started tearing up at the sight of them. "Spike?"

Then fireworks started going off and the castle lit up like someone turned on the sun. Xander and Buffy looked up and shocked and looked in towards the castle. The rooms came to life and the cobwebs and dust disappeared revealing shiny golden archways and marble flours. Buffy returned her attention to Spike, who was now Spike again. "Spike!" She hugged him tightly and he hugged her back, not fully sure it was Buffy due to slight shock. She pulled away and he saw her tear-ridden face.

"Geez, who died."

She laughed. "Your sense of humor's intact."

Spike looked over to Xander when he heard a sniffle. "Harris, you all right mate?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I just got some dust in my eye from the whole whooshing of the light and I'm allergic to pollen and it's just clouding my nostrils." He walked away and down the hall. Giles opened the door and took in the Trading Spaces castle.

"This is different."

"Yeah, uh your daughters down there but be careful of the pollen. Made me tear up and sniffle."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ebony screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are you kidding me?! Seriously, are you kidding me! How the Hell does this keep happening? There's no reason this shouldn't be working. I've done this thousands of times and now all of sudden it's not working? Something is going on and I am going to find out what. But first…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"And presto chango, no more shiny castle," Spike said. He looked around and saw two others guys, dressed in hideous velvet attire sleeping on the grass. "And no Buffy."

"I'm right here," she said groggily.

Spike looked over at one of the guys who slowly rose. "Where?"

He turned around and looked at Spike. "Right in front of you, are you blind?"

"Buffy?"

"Yeah," she said slowly.

"Ya don't look like yourself. Or female at all actually."

"What?" She crawled over to the stream they were next to and looked at her reflection. Her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped, bringing in large breaths. "I'm a boy?"

"Could be worse."

"Worse?"

"It's true. Right Harris?" He looked at the other lump to his right. "Harris." He gave him a shake.

"I'm up. I'm up." The guy rolled over and revealed himself to not be Xander.

"Who're you?" Spike asked.

"Real funny Simpleton."

"Simpleton? That supposed to be an insult?"

"What?"

"Ya heard me Tinky Winky."

"Tinky Winky? Bastian, what on earth is he talking about?"

"Bastian? My parents couldn't afford the 'se'?" Buffy quipped.

"Did you hit your heads on rocks to make yourselves sleep?"

"All right, uh…guy, what're we doin' here?" Spike asked.

"Way to live up to your name Simpleton. I wonder if anyone else has such an obnoxious little brother."

"We're related?" Buffy asked.

"My name's Simpleton? Was I hated from birth or somethin'?"

"All right, I'm done with this." He went over to his white stallion and climbed onto the saddle. Spike and Buffy followed his lead and got on top of the other two horses. "Why aren't you riding your own horses?"

They got down and swapped. "We were just seeing if they were as comfortable as our own. Ya know, maybe switch things up," Buffy covered.

He rolled his eyes and preceded down the imaginary trail they were apparently heading on. They came across a bee's nest that was hanging from a tree. "Hey let's smoke out the bees so we can get to their honey. A sweet treat for the road ahead."

"Not really looking forward to the bee stings mate."

"Plus we aren't exactly trained for that. Nor dressed for it. Don't those people have funky costumes with big nets over their faces?"

"What are you two talking about?"

"The beekeepers with the net costumes," Buffy said.

"Better keep moving mate. Don't want to rile up the old lady."

"Oh shut up David Bowie."

"I was just sayin', it wasn't an insult. Just tellin' the boy to leave'em alone."

The guy rolled his eyes and continued on his way. After about twenty minutes they came across a castle. And an abandoned one at that. They walked right in, leaving the horses at the entryway. It was quiet and chilly. Buffy shook a little as she felt the cold slide against her spine. "Creepy much?"

"Didn't we do the Sleeping Beauty thing?" Spike asked.

"This can't be Sleeping Beauty, why are there three of us? Maybe Xander's in here somewhere. Xander!" Buffy started to yell, but just heard her voice echo around the huge hallway.

"Who's Xander?"

"No one. Xander!"

"He's just…," Spike started, "I don't even know how to cover that one up."

"Xander!"

"Would you stop? What if a giant troll wakes up and comes after us?"

"Think a dead give away would be the floor vibratin'. Looks pretty stone like to me."

"Xander!"

"Hello?" someone yelled in the distance. Buffy started running down the hall and stopped at the entryway to multiple doors. "Someone there?" She followed his voice to her right and was lead to what looked like a ballroom.

"Xander?"

"No one's food here," he said timidly.

She went over to the door and tried to open it. "Xander is that you?"

"Buffy?"

"Yeah, I'm a guy right now."

"You're a guy?"

"Yeah, stand back." She struck the door and fell down off its hinges. She saw a gray dwarf with a beer belly standing in front of her. "Xander?"

"That's me."

"You're a dwarf."

"And you're a guy. At least I'm used to being the freak in all these stories. Whichever one this is."

"Yeah, got no clue about this one. Dwarves and three princes? Doesn't sound familiar."

"Wait what? Three princes? _Three_ princes?"

"Yeah."

"Who's the third prince?"

"I guess he's the actual prince in the story."

"Why couldn't I have been him instead of the eighth dwarf Drinky?"

"It was actually pretty funny because we thought it was you but then-" she saw his lack of amusement at the situation, "I didn't mean funny. Very not funny actual. Sad even."

"Buffy!" Spike yelled.

She ran off and Xander tried to follow. "Slow down. A dwarf can only waddle so fast."

She ran into Spike and… the other guy and they were in a dining room. The table was full of food of all different varieties that looked freshly prepared. "What's all this?"

"Dunno, but ya think we should eat it?"

"Not sure. Maybe if we eat it we awaken some evil demon or we have to be slaves to-" Buffy stopped when she saw the other prince had already dug in. He looked up at them as if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to. Which he might have been.

"What? I'm starving."

"We don't even know what the story is with this food. You can't just go eating everything you see."

"Well if someone would've let me eat some honey-"

"I probably would still be yelling at you right now for being a moron."

"Get off my back Bastian."

"Uh, Buffy," Spike said, looking closely at the table. She walked over to him and followed his gaze. She saw etched into the stone table three tasks.

"Gather a thousand pearls from the moss in the forest. Fetch the key from the bottom of the lake. Pick out the youngest and loveliest princess asleep in the chamber. What is this? Are we supposed to do this?"

"Dunno. I mean, I would assume so, but what moss? And a thousand pearls? That can't be done." Spike put his hand on his stomach after it made a gurgling noise. "Since Prince Wanker over here already ate some, can't we join in?"

"I guess so. If you want."

"Well it's what my body wants. I can't go findin' a thousand pearls on an empty stomach."

"Go ahead. I ain't touchin' it."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not gonna just eat some food without knowing the price."

"Looks free to me," the Prince responded.

"Buffy, maybe to get out of this story we have to eat the food and do these things otherwise we're stuck in the town of Dark and Dreary forever."

She looked at the decadent food setup. It did look really good. "All right."

"That's my girl."

"I'd kiss you but I look like a guy."

"Agreed. Kiss later." Spike started crunching on the food like a hungry pig while Buffy displayed a little more restraint. A little.

Xander finally made it and exclaimed, "Food!" He crawled onto a chair and tried grabbing for some but his hands barely made it past the plate in front of him. He opted to roll up onto the table and went straight for the cooked chicken.

When night fell they all found bedrooms to sleep in. They made the outcast prince think that they were all in separate rooms but then Spike and Buffy made their way into Xander's room (since he couldn't move very fast) while he was asleep.

When they woke up the next morning they went to the other prince's room. "Hey, you awake mate?" Spike asked as he knocked.

They waited a minute before Buffy knocked. "Rise and shine."

When there was no answer, not even a groan, they pushed open the door and went inside. The sleeping prince was as still as stone. "He's a statue!"

Spike shook his head. "That can't be good."

"I can't see," Xander said.

**Author's Note:** Okay, for all those who read these things, congratulations! You get to know what story this is. It's a Grimm's fairytale called _The Queen Bee_. I was flipping through my book for the next story and this one intrigued me. I hope you like the update. Since I wasn't able to give you a new chapter in the past six months I made this one extra long.


	6. Not Helpful

Chapter Six

"Why is he a statue? Are we gonna be statues too?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. "Don't know."

"I don't like that plan. I like when you know what's going on."

"Sorry love but I have no idea what this one is."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Xander asked.

"That's what we have to figure out," Buffy answered, still panicking. "Okay we need… something… oh, that thing. Written on the table. What did it say?"

"Let's go check." Spike grabbed her hand and pulled her back into the dining room.

"Hey! Still a dwarf!" Xander yelled after their accelerated speed.

When they reached the table Spike brushed his hand across the surface to clear the inscription. "Gather a thousand pearls from the moss in the forest. Fetch the key from the bottom of the lake. Pick out the youngest and loveliest princess asleep in the chamber," he read.

"Okay so we need to do this." Buffy pointed to the words repeatedly as if he wasn't sure what 'this' was.

"How are we s'posed to do all this?" he asked, mocking her gesture.

"We'll split it up. I take one, you take another and Xander gets the last one."

"Xander ain't even here 'cause he's a dwarf and can't run fast. Which one of these could he possibly accomplish?"

Buffy looked down and reread them. They were all very vague and ridiculous. Where was the moss? Why were there pearls out there? Where was the lake? Was that where we were when we woke up? "Doesn't sound like the princess one requires lots of movement."

"We don't even know where these princesses _are_."

"Why are you arguing with me right now? This isn't helpful. Be more helpful," she suggested.

"I'm trying to keep you thinking clearly. We just need to think this through."

"We don't have time to think this through," Buffy said. Did he not remember the extremely stone materialed guy upstairs? "We need to get moving now."

"That's it!" Spike exclaimed at his genius plan.

"What's it?"

"We'll leave. If we're not here for the curse to take effect then we'll be statue free."

"I like it." Buffy turned around and looked out the doorway. "Xander!"

"Twenty more minutes, I _might_ be there!"

Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes. She grabbed Spike's hand and pulled him back through the castle and out to their horses. Then she turned her horse around to go pick Xander up, who was just clearing the last step. "Whoah!" he yelled when he was suddenly lifted off the ground. "What are we doing?"

"Running away."

"Really? We never use that plan."

"First time for everything." She ran out the doors and kept going past Spike. He kicked the horse in the side to start his pursuit.

They ran for about an hour before stopping to let their horses rest. Buffy helped Xander down from her horse, as much as he hated his need for assistance. "This is so embarrassing. I'm glad no one's here to see this."

Spike looked over and smiled.

"How could I forget the undead English Patient."

"Sorry I can't hear you from all the way down there. Can ya speak up?"

"Not now you two," Buffy said with exhaustion. Spike walked over to her and put his hand hesitantly on her shoulder. Her in the form of a guy was still pretty freaky. She shrugged him off and walked away.

Spike was worried about her sudden change in attitude. What was she thinking? Why was she being so cold? "Buffy?"

"Just stay," she said, holding her hand out for him to stop any kind of thought of following her. "I'll be right back. Just stay there."

He stood there, watching her disappear through the trees. He took a seat on the ground, keeping his focus on where he last saw her.

"Not to take you away from your brooding but are we gonna eat anytime soon."

Spike looked at the portly dwarf a couple feet away. "I'm sure you've got enough stored for a couple days mate."

"First off, I'm not your mate. And second, I have no control over whose body I get put into. We all know that. However I am hungry and am trying not to piss you off because I need someone who doesn't have sausages for legs to get me some food."

"Not movin' mate."

"But I'm hungry----y" he whined like a child.

"Not. Moving."

"Fine. Then I'll just waddle off on my own."

"Knock yourself out. Please."

Xander started wobbling back from where they came. He could have sworn he saw some berry bushes only about twenty feet back. It may take him an hour or so to reach them though.

Hours went by and still Spike stared into the distance, hoping to see Buffy return. He would have gone off to find her but then he would've just gotten lost in the process. And if he came back and she was here, she would've been mad he didn't stay put.

Xander came back, his shirt containing a horde of berries. "Figured I'd grab some extra. Not for you though. You can get your own berries."

Spike looked over and saw the ridiculous form Xander was in. He had berries smeared all around his mouth like he ate them like a pig. "I hear it works better if you get them _in_ your mouth."

"I was starving and really tired after walking all that way. Don't judge me."

Spike's eyes widened and he rose to attention. He recognized the masculine body which contained his girlfriend. Her eyes remained on the ground as she wove her way through the trees. She looked like she was drunk.

"Buffy?"

She looked up and smiled. "Spike." She gave him a hug, putting all her weight onto him. Yup, she was drunk. "Hey did you know that this town is known for it's brambleberry juice?" she slurred. "And it's actually not a juice. It's a type of liquor that they make with the berries. It's very tasty after you have a couple glasses." She let him go and plopped down on the ground, laughing at her clumsiness.

"Uh, Buffy. Where were you?" Xander asked.

"A bar up that way." She flung her arm up in the direction she came from and it just as quickly fell to her side. "Nice people."

"Is there food?"

"I guess so." She very attractively excreted a burp and made a gross face. "That wasn't tasty at all."

"Okay," Spike said, kneeling down to her, "did you happen to drink any water along with the juice."

She shook her head happily.

"Great. All right. Then let's backtrack and find that lake we went by. We'll get you some water from that."

"The lake with the key?" she asked with excitement.

"Sure. The lake with the key." He helped her to her feet and onto her horse. He warily took his hands off her, ready to catch her if she started to slip.

"I'm fine," she insisted. She leaned forward so her head rested on its mane. Spike watched as she slowly started falling towards him. He pushed her carefully back into place and ran over to Xander. He lifted him up, put him on the other horse and ran back to Buffy before she completely fell onto the ground.

"This is not helpful Buffy," he said as he tried positioning her back onto the horse.

"I have such a good boyfriend. Aren't you a good boyfriend? I think you're a good boyfriend."

"Yeah, I'm a good boyfriend. Watch your head love." He jumped up behind her and took the reins. "Easy," he said as he pulled her back so she was leaning against his chest. She closed her eyes and snuggled into him, smiling with happiness. "All right then. One drunk Slayer, a pudgy dwarf and an unhinged vampire in a prince's body. Regular fairytale story right here."

Xander tried kicking the horse to make it go but it remained in place. "Uh, Spike. A little help." He sighed and took hold of the other horses' reins, making them trot side by side. Spike's left arm held Buffy in place while his right kept the horses steady. Luckily they reached it without any problems although time seemed to move way too fast in this place because the sun was already beginning to set.

"Is it just me or is time in warp speed here?" Xander asked.

"I was thinkin' the same thing actually." Spike maintained a good hold of Buffy as he tried to get off. However her comatose body was making it a lot harder for him to maneuver. "Buffy?" She didn't respond. Her mouth was hanging open and he was pretty sure she was near drool overflow. "Buffy?" He gave her a little shake.

She sat up abruptly and exclaimed. "I have to puke! I have to puke!" But after a breath she said, "No, I'm okay," and rested her head back on Spike's chest.

He carefully swung his leg around and let Buffy gradually fall against the saddle. Then he pulled her off and sat her down on the grass. "Stay," he ordered. Buffy curled up into a ball and rubbed her face into the grass. "All right Dorky." He grabbed Xander from under his arms and pulled him to the ground.

"I can get down myself thank you," Xander disagreed, even though he was already on the ground. "I don't need _your_ help."

"How about I just-" Spike froze when he looked over and saw Buffy's curled up body still as a statue. Literally, a statue. "Buffy?" He ran over to her and his fear was confirmed. "Buffy!" he yelled.

"But we left so this wouldn't happen."

"Buffy," Spike said, running his finger across the hard stone cheek. "Buffy. Please. Buffy, come back."

"What are we gonna do?"

"Don't speak right now Xander," Spike warned. His mind was trying to come up with something- anything- that would bring her back. But what was there? He got up and dived into the water.

"A swim? That's gonna help us?" Xander asked.

Spike kept his eyes open as he searched the bottom of the lake for a key. He wasn't sure what the key would look like so he knew it would take awhile. Good thing he didn't require any breath otherwise he would be in trouble. However the sky was getting darker and the bottom of the lake was nearly pitch black to begin with so this could be a bigger problem than he preferred.

Spike was hocked to feel the not so familiar pressure pof his lungs while his air supply was getting too low. He reluctantly pushed himself up to the surface, welcoming the cold air into his body.

"Spike! Check it out!" Xander yelled from the bank. A family of ducks were heading into the water but the most appealing thing was the key Xander held triumphantly in his hand. Spike swam as fast as he could back to shore. "These ducks brought the key."

Spike held his hand out and Xander placed it in his palm without hesitation. Spike looked at the antique key. His face looked like he was trying to decipher a puzzle. "What were the other tasks?"

"Uh, collecting pearls and…uh… what the heck was it?… oh, finding a princess. The youngest princess."

"Looks like we're heading back to the castle."

"Not that I don't support this, I mean I don't but, how would we get Buffy there?"

Spike realized the dilemma. They could drag her but then again, even though she is made of stone he couldn't bear the thought of anything happening on the trip there. Let alone just thinking of her still body dragging on the path. "We'll leave her. We'll finish the tasks and come back for her."

"Or, I could stay and you could do the tasks." Spike looked at Xander with irritation, figuring Xander just wanted an out for having to actually do something. Spike looked down at his sad troll face as he stared at Buffy. "I don't want to leave her alone. Even if she is made of stone."

Spike couldn't deny him that. He felt the same way too actually, but since he was human size and moved at a faster speed than dwarf Xander, he nodded. "Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can." He jumped onto his horse and kicked its side to make it race through the darkness.

The castle didn't appear soon enough in Spike's opinion but it was only a couple minutes of riding as opposed to his longer sense of time because Buffy's life was in a questionable state.

He went to run inside but then remembered that he needed to collect pearls. He could barely see his hand in front of his face let alone pearls in the forest. He could run upstairs and find the princess then come back down or find the pearls while he was out here. This decision was wasting precious seconds so he decided to run into the mossy area around the castle and started picking up pearls. He made it to fifteen before coming up with nothing for five minutes. "This is ridiculous!" he yelled out loud. "How am I supposed to find a thousand of these bloody things!"

"Keep your voice down," a small voice said.

Spike turned around and saw nothing. He quickly turned the other way, trying to catch sight of whatever said that. "Not up for games mate."

"How about a little help. Literally."

Spike's face became crooked when he realized it sounded like the voice was coming from below him. He looked down and crouched toward a tiny ant, perched on a tree root. "That wasn't you was it."

"Yes. I heard that you need to find a thousand pearls. Since you saved us from your companion yesterday, we ants would like to return the favor."

"Can you find a bunch of pearls?"

"I've already started the search."

"Thanks."

"No, thank you."

"Right." Spike was extremely confused but who was he to question any kind of help that was offered to him. Even if it did come from an insect. He dropped the other pearls on the ground carefully, trying not to hurt anything that might be crawling around in the process.

Spike ran into the castle and started searching for rooms. Any kind of room. Preferably one that was locked. I mean, why else would he have a key if the princesses weren't locked away somewhere. _It's a good thing this castle has so few rooms otherwise this might be difficult._

He lost count of how many doors and stairs he ran up but finally he found a door whose lock fit the key. He turned the key and opened the door to three sleeping princesses who were completely identical. Their hair was the same color and length and their faces showed no sign of age. They were even wearing the same pale, pink dress.

"How the bloody hell am I supposed to find the younger one?" Spike looked out the window. The sky was beginning to take color again; the sun was coming up.

"I can help," another tiny voice said. It was a little more high pitched then the last one. Spike looked down at the ground but didn't see anything. "Hello?" he said as he crouched down. "Little ants?"

"Right here," a bee said as it flew in his face. Spike fell back in shock. "Sorry to startle you. You're looking for the youngest princess?"

"Uh, yeah."  
"She's right here." The bee flew above the princess who was closest to the right wall.

"How do ya know? They all look the same."

"Yes but the youngest always eats honey and her lips taste the sweetest."

"Oh. Right then." Spike stood up and walked over to her bed and looked down at her. She seriously looked exactly like the other two. What if this was a scam? Make him pick the wrong princess and turn to stone? He realized he didn't really have a choice. The bee's guess was as good as any. "What do I do?"

"I don't know. What are you supposed to do?"

"The table said find the youngest, that's it. Do I put a flag on her or write a sign or somethin'?"

"Try kissing her."

"Kissing?" It was unappealing to him to have to kiss anyone's lips other than Buffy's. Even now, when she was a guy, he desired to kiss her more than this pretty girl laying in front of him. He pursed his lips and then moved in, imagining his Slayer's lips as he pressed his mouth on hers.

He pulled away after three seconds. He counted. He stood back as if now there would be an explosion or she'd jolt up to strangle him. But she didn't. Her eyes slowly opened and she sat up with a yawn.

"Uh, 'scuse me."

The girl turned to him.

"Are you the youngest of the three?"

The girl stared at him for a minute, not a word leaving her mouth.

"Can you talk?"

She opened her mouth and let out a high pitched scream. Spike ducked down and tried plugging his ears. "Bloody hell woman!" The other two princesses sat up and looked over at Spike and began screaming as well. Rather than endure hearing them for another second in the hope they would soon stop, he ran out the door and down the stairs. He could still hear the screaming as if he were still in the room. "Bloody princesses are a menace."

He ran out the gate and over to his horse. The ants had were just finishing up finding all the pearls. "We finished. All one thousand pearls."

"Thanks mate but I don't know if I'll be needin'em." Perfectly on que, the three princess came out, only now instead of long blonde hair, it was black and stringing. Their once pink lips were now blue and opened wider than an average human jaw. "Bloody hell."

He leapt onto his horse and jolted down the road. He kept looking back, hoping to see their shapes grow smaller with distance. Their screaming had stopped and they stood there with angry stares.

Spike approached the pond and practically threw himself off his horse. "Is she all right?"

"Sssshhh, talk quieter," Buffy said as she held her head.

"Buffy!" Spike hugged her tightly, enjoying the comfort of her soft, warm skin. Then he kissed her deeply, not carrying an ounce that she was currently a guy. Buffy wrapped her hand around Spike's neck to pull him in closer.

"Okay, uh, I know it's technically a girl and a guy but… ew," Xander voiced.

"Hi," Spike said, looking into Buffy's eyes. And ignoring Xander.

"Hi," she said with a smirk.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too." Buffy's smile quickly left as she felt her stomach lurching. "Uh oh." She quickly got up and ran for the nearest bush.

Spike continued to smile glad she was at least alive and moving. "That's my girlfriend."

"Uh Spike?"

"Yes mate?"

Xander was too scared to take shock from the term of endearment from Spike. "We have three problems." Spike walked over to Xander and followed his raised finger. Sure enough there were the three she-devils, looking extremely aggravated.

"Buffy, love, can ya stop that for a second and come here?"

Buffy wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She opened her mouth in disgust of the taste that coated her tongue. "That was only completely-" Buffy was cut off by the sight of the three black haired undead floating towards them. "Not helpful."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh my gosh it has been WAY too long! I am SO SO SO SO sorry to all of you who have been waiting for an update. Unfortunately life was kinda crazy (as it tends to be) and writing wasn't really on the top of my list. Then I started this a couple months ago but lost the book that this story was in so I was kinda stuck. But here it is and again, totally sorry about the long awaited update.


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